The Storm

I AM SO OVER IT!!! I am so freaking over it. I cannot go through this shit ever again. I am tired and I am so tired, I am so fucking tired. I can not, will not do this right now, not ever again. I am fed up. Livid. DONE! GOD I feel like my chest is on fire. Why do I fall for men who are not interested in me? Why?

It's Brewing

He just doesn't care!! He doesn't freaking give two shit!!! This is not fair. I deserve better than this, more than this. This is not fare. I thought that maybe it was my turn. My time to shine. My time to be happy. This is just not fair. Not fair!! I know "they" say "life is not fair," but this is just BULLSHIT!!!!!

I "spoke" with him yesterday. Not for long, just a short group of meaningless words. I ask him if I was wasting my time. Ask him if I had a chance in hell at a future with him. Needless to say, the answer was inconclusive and vague at best. This mingled with the fact that we speak a lot less now, there are never any emails waiting for me from him (unless it is a response to something I sent) and he hasn't even mentioned the word divorce, leads to me believe that he is no longer interested in me. That is a devastating thought, but a strong possibility. So now I back away. I back away so far and so quietly you would never know I was there.

Still Calm

I miss him. I miss him a lot. I haven't had a nice long conversation with him in a while. We use to email back and forth all all. He would email at random times, tell me that he misses me. Tell me that he was just emailing to let me know that he was thinking about me. That doesn't seem to happen much anymore. I am the one doing most of the emailing. And the responses are short and far between. Did I make another mistake. Is it that he is Army and can't really get attached to me while he is over there. I do not know. I just do not know. I just want to come home to my daughter and a man who loves us both. Is that too much to ask for?

Is anyone meant to be alone?

The Calm

Today is much better. I don't feel so lost and helpless. I had an argument with God yesterday. I accused him of not knowing what I needed to be happy. That is the silliest thing I have ever done in my life. How do you tell the one who hears all and knows all, that he doesn't know what you need. LOL, kinds funny now that I think back on it. I think I was having a temper tantrum. I can't talk to the person I want to talk to, and I need someone to blame for my hurt, and he was available at the time. Had a good cry, and a good scream, got to complain a little, then I felt better. I was not meant to experience my adult life alone. I need someone to share the ups and downs with. Someone to give me a swift kick in the ass when I need it, someone to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I just want to walk in my house at the end of a long day and have someone be there and just know. Just take one look at me and say "baby, I got this." Say it and mean it. Someone who will take control and and handle things when I cannot. Someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, someone to yell at, someone to yell at me, someone for my daughter to run to, someone I can run to. Just a person who sees my troubles as their troubles, my tears as their tears, my smiles as their smiles, my life as their life. I want him to be that person. I want to be that person for him. Is that too much to ask for. Maybe it is.... I don't know, but I would like to find out. I had planned to talk to him last night about it. But by the time I logged on he was on his way out and we didn't have time to talk. When we first started talking, I could tell him anything. But after I admitted to myself that I loved him, it became hard for me to talk to him. That shouldn't happen. I guess before I wasn't afraid of any answer he could/would give. Now the answers matter too much, and I am terrified. But I am better today. Even with out talking to him, I am better today. I will just take that, and run with it.

Collateral Damage

I am hurting my friends. They are just innocent bystanders that are getting caught in the emotional storm. I hate that I am hurting them with my selfishness. One of my friends said "you're getting worse, not better as you pull away from your friends and shut yourself off more and more." She wants to be mad at him, but it is not his fault. So, I apologize for the stress I am causing.

The Day After

I told him yesterday. Can't believe I actually did it. Just sat there on my living room floor, covered with a blanket, looking at his face on web cam, and said it. "You know I'm in love with you right?" How stupid can I be. You would think after all these years I would learn. Just shut the heck up, and keep my mouth shut. Go in the kitchen, cook something, anything, just zip it. And can you guess his response......."I know baby." He is sooo sweet, I can't and don't hate him for not being able to return the sentiment. Maybe that is my problem, I never expect anyone to return to sentiment. I don't expect anything. I want a lot, and wish for a lot, but expect nothing.

So now I feel as if my heart is broken......not broken, but not there at all. I physically feel an empty space in my chest. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to my friends. I don't want to open mouth and utter a word. I second the words leave my mouth I will cry. I don't have time to cry. I have a life. A child to raise, a job to do, a life to lead. I DO NOT have time to sit around and cry because my friend, who is married by the way, doesn't love me back. Well my guess is that he loves me, he is just not in love with me.

I can't believe I told him that way. I can't believe I told him via the Internet. You shouldn't say those words over the Internet, at least not the first time.

I don't want to do anything. I want to sit down, and just be. I don't want to work. I am sitting here at my desk, and I can't focus long enough to get anything done. I don't want to lose my job, but I can't muster the strenth to pick myself put from the hole I am in. I wish I could say I put on a smile for everyone, but I don't. That is just too much work. The only thing that brings a real smile to my face is my daughter. Everything about her makes me smile. Maybe the emptiness would go away if I stayed near her all the time.

I think my heart came back. It's in my throat now. It is sitting there choking me. God....I am so unhappy. And I am ashamed to say it. There are people all over the world starving, being tortured, getting divorced, losing loved ones, living on the street, getting abused and kidnapped and so many worst things. But yet, I sit here feeling sorry for myself because I was stupid enough to fall in love with a married man. I shouldn't be hurt, I should be ashamed of myself. What if he did say he loved me, then what. Is he going to leave his wife? How do you think she will feel? She would actually have a reason to feel hurt. I DON"T!!!

Just shut up, and go back to work