The Calm

Today is much better. I don't feel so lost and helpless. I had an argument with God yesterday. I accused him of not knowing what I needed to be happy. That is the silliest thing I have ever done in my life. How do you tell the one who hears all and knows all, that he doesn't know what you need. LOL, kinds funny now that I think back on it. I think I was having a temper tantrum. I can't talk to the person I want to talk to, and I need someone to blame for my hurt, and he was available at the time. Had a good cry, and a good scream, got to complain a little, then I felt better. I was not meant to experience my adult life alone. I need someone to share the ups and downs with. Someone to give me a swift kick in the ass when I need it, someone to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I just want to walk in my house at the end of a long day and have someone be there and just know. Just take one look at me and say "baby, I got this." Say it and mean it. Someone who will take control and and handle things when I cannot. Someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, someone to yell at, someone to yell at me, someone for my daughter to run to, someone I can run to. Just a person who sees my troubles as their troubles, my tears as their tears, my smiles as their smiles, my life as their life. I want him to be that person. I want to be that person for him. Is that too much to ask for. Maybe it is.... I don't know, but I would like to find out. I had planned to talk to him last night about it. But by the time I logged on he was on his way out and we didn't have time to talk. When we first started talking, I could tell him anything. But after I admitted to myself that I loved him, it became hard for me to talk to him. That shouldn't happen. I guess before I wasn't afraid of any answer he could/would give. Now the answers matter too much, and I am terrified. But I am better today. Even with out talking to him, I am better today. I will just take that, and run with it.