The Day After

I told him yesterday. Can't believe I actually did it. Just sat there on my living room floor, covered with a blanket, looking at his face on web cam, and said it. "You know I'm in love with you right?" How stupid can I be. You would think after all these years I would learn. Just shut the heck up, and keep my mouth shut. Go in the kitchen, cook something, anything, just zip it. And can you guess his response......."I know baby." He is sooo sweet, I can't and don't hate him for not being able to return the sentiment. Maybe that is my problem, I never expect anyone to return to sentiment. I don't expect anything. I want a lot, and wish for a lot, but expect nothing.

So now I feel as if my heart is broken......not broken, but not there at all. I physically feel an empty space in my chest. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to my friends. I don't want to open mouth and utter a word. I second the words leave my mouth I will cry. I don't have time to cry. I have a life. A child to raise, a job to do, a life to lead. I DO NOT have time to sit around and cry because my friend, who is married by the way, doesn't love me back. Well my guess is that he loves me, he is just not in love with me.

I can't believe I told him that way. I can't believe I told him via the Internet. You shouldn't say those words over the Internet, at least not the first time.

I don't want to do anything. I want to sit down, and just be. I don't want to work. I am sitting here at my desk, and I can't focus long enough to get anything done. I don't want to lose my job, but I can't muster the strenth to pick myself put from the hole I am in. I wish I could say I put on a smile for everyone, but I don't. That is just too much work. The only thing that brings a real smile to my face is my daughter. Everything about her makes me smile. Maybe the emptiness would go away if I stayed near her all the time.

I think my heart came back. It's in my throat now. It is sitting there choking me. God....I am so unhappy. And I am ashamed to say it. There are people all over the world starving, being tortured, getting divorced, losing loved ones, living on the street, getting abused and kidnapped and so many worst things. But yet, I sit here feeling sorry for myself because I was stupid enough to fall in love with a married man. I shouldn't be hurt, I should be ashamed of myself. What if he did say he loved me, then what. Is he going to leave his wife? How do you think she will feel? She would actually have a reason to feel hurt. I DON"T!!!

Just shut up, and go back to work